Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
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My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
this came to me in a vision
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
New favorite tiktok
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Botany good plants lately?
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.