Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
You Might Also Like
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Am I having a stroke?
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]