I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
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I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!