Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
You Might Also Like
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
my nickname in college
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]