Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.