[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
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FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine