when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
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*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.