Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
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So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane