“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
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My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.