Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
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Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful