Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
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This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”