I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
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Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.