An amish party in the desert called churning man.
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If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.