at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
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I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
“We will wed,” I threatened
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.