There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
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My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.