them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
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[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
The Birdles
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.