Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
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Jogging
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.