My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
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[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Only Americans understand
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner