Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
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I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape