The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
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My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.