A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
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[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend