My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
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I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.