Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
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When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.