Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
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Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Strange