This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
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Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.