If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
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How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.