I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
You Might Also Like
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?