“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
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*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Breaking news:
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?