Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
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Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
We avoided this particular disaster
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit