Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
You Might Also Like
If you arenât happy single, you wonât be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relevâ
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, thatâs not my name and I think youâve had enough.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snackâŚ
Daughter: âWhere’s Lamby?”
Me: âIn the crib.”
Daughter: âGo get him.”
Me: âCan you say please?”
Daughter: âI can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
âItâs hotter than a junkieâs spoon in Julyâ
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I donât know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. Iâm as confused here as you are.
Weâre both learning what Iâm about to say at the exact same time.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo đđđ
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
âThatâs a terrible idea!â she says. âThey shouldnât be reading while theyâre driving!â
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Iâve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friendâs selfie.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*