Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
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“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.