If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
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Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Wasps: bees, but not helping