once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
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In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.