things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
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I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
.. do you even science?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”