“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
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A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
twitter is a journey
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.