Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
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professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I’m already scared
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.