I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
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Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.