Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
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Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
no!! no!!!!!!
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?