I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
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me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate