Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
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A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
🤣🤣🤣🤣
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks