If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
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“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now