Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
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[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.