You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
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Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Wednesday
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
forgive me baja for i have blast
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
it was love at first sight
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.