Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
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In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Mhm.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.