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Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean