Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
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Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
How animals would run if they were human
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Autocarrot sucks!
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
u guys got any snacks onboard here
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means