Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
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Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
What flavor cupcake are these
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend