#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
You Might Also Like
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
No way!
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier