My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
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Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Go hard or stay average
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.