Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
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Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I know karate and tons of other words.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.